Is it just me?

Is it just me or is the second pregnancy way harder than the first!?

When I was pregnant with the girls I rarely felt like I didn't have a handle on my emotions...I was pretty good at keeping my hormones in check. This time around I feel crazy!!! My poor girls are probably so confused..."how can Mom go from happy to angry to crying and back to happy again in a span of 10 minutes?"

I love my girls and I am so excited to welcome this baby into our family, but my goodness!! I am losing it! Crazy hormones, summer heat, and two bored, limit testing two year olds. Some days I just feel like I'm losing the battle! 

Be Still My Soul

The church just updated some of it's policies and there has been quite a stir on social media, as you can imagine. I really debated about posting anything regarding this, but the hymn, "Be Still My Soul" has been playing in my mind for days. Every time I see a negative comment about the church, I almost feel personally attacked and this song has really brought me some peace and comfort. I know Heavenly Father loves ALL of his children and will only do what is best for them.

"Be still, my soul: The Lord is on they side; With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain. Leave to thy God to order and provide; In every change he faithful will remain. Be still my soul; Thy best they heav'nly Friend. Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake. To guide the future as he has the past. Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake; All now mysterious shall be bright at last. Be still, my soul; The waves and winds still know His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on When we shall be forever with the Lord, When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone, Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored. Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past, All safe and blessed we shall meet at last."

...today...

Today was a nothing special day. It's really been a nothing special week. But today I decided I would try to do something fun for and with the girls. I decided to take them up the canyon and have a picnic. Once the girls woke up and I had dinner ready we left. I thought, "this is going to be so great! The girls are going to love being out here! It will be so great to get out of the house! We are going to enjoy fall! And we're doing it by ourselves! (Matthew is hunting.)" 
We drove to a spot and were lucky enough to find a somewhat private little camp spot next to the creek and tucked against a hill that was perfect for climbing. The girls were so good on our drive and were so excited to be there - just as I suspected. By all accounts it was perfect. And for some reason, by the time we got home and I put my girls to bed I felt disappointed with myself. I have two of the most amazing little girls! They are so well behaved and so sweet! And despite all of the wonderful qualities of my girls, I still find myself with extremely high expectations for them and getting impatient with them. We have a wonderful companion in Mo and yet I get so frustrated with him, too - for doing dog things like heading straight for the creek and jumping in, then rather than sitting on his towel in the car, he jumps right to the drivers seat so that I get to ride home with damp pants. All things that I feel I am justified in being frustrated with. But I am so tired of being frustrated and impatient. I don't like feeling inadequate because I know things would run more smoothly if Matthew were with us. I want to be a mom who feels that she knows what she is doing when we are out and about. I want to know where all the good hiking spots are that I could take my kids to. I just want things to be perfectly imperfect all the time, and when it doesn't happen like I envisioned, or when I feel stupid for trying to do something new - something out of my comfort zone, something that I feel could make me a better person to some extent - I get frustrated. I'm tired of feeling frustrated. 
I should say that I am not always frustrated. In fact, I feel that I have been grateful and happy far more than I have been frustrated. Maybe that's why the days when I feel a little down on myself get under my skin so easily. 
I love my family and I want to be a great mom for them. I don't want to compare myself to other moms. Moms who are good at making friends and moms who are amazing cooks and talk about how little they did that day but then continue to spout out a list far more extensive than my own. Moms who can take their kids hiking and camping and think nothing of it. I want to be those moms, though. It's hard not to compare myself to them. It's hard, because I try to do those things and I always feel as if I've failed, and it's frustrating.

Tears of Joy

Sometimes when I am holding my girls, or feeding my girls, or when I'm playing with them and get a great big smile from them, I can't help but cry. The love that I have for these two is so overwhelming sometimes. I am so grateful that they have chosen me to be their mom. I feel so lucky that they are mine and that they are healthy...and have been since day 1. Even throughout the pregnancy...we made it through the "is this pregnancy valid?" stage, and the "vanishing twin" stage and my worrisome blood pressure stage. They both stayed head down basically the entire pregnancy, so we knew we probably wouldn't need a c-section - and we didn't! And my favorite...they didn't have to spend any time in the NICU. Lyla was able to get the fluid out of her lungs just fine! I got to bring my sweet babies home from the hospital 2 days after they were born!

I watched this video:
http://thestir.cafemom.com/baby/164477/dad_takes_breathtaking_video_of
on Facebook this morning and couldn't help but be so grateful for my experience of being pregnant and giving birth to my two BEAUTIFUL and HEALTHY baby girls. I love watching them learn and grow...although they are growing way too fast. Before they were even two months old, we had to move them up to 3 month old one piece jammies. It's so bitter sweet! 

Favorites

 Almost every morning after my girls eat, one of them falls right back to sleep while the other stays awake for a little while. They are really good at alternating who sleeps and who stays awake. This is one of my favorite things, just because I get to spend time playing with my awake daughter and then cuddling with her and rocking her to sleep for her nap. I love this one on one time I get with them!!

Confession

Before you begin reading this, please know that I am mostly just sorting through some thoughts right now. I'm not asking for advice or asking for help. Thanks! :)

I honestly and truly think I have to have two of the best baby girls in the whole wide world. They are usually pretty quiet. They do like to lie around unswaddled and just talk to whoever will listen, they are pretty good at nursing (I've recently read a few blogs of twin moms who have had a really hard time nursing their babies...mine have always nursed at the same time and done really well.) they like to cuddle, they don't mind being put down and they are currently sleeping from about 11:00 pm to about 4:30 am...except when they don't. 

I get so frustrated on the nights that they don't sleep well. Which is SO unfair of me. It only happens a handful of nights. The majority of the time they sleep through the night. They always have a hard time going back to sleep after they eat at 4:30, but normally to put them down after they eat at 10:30 is not a problem. So why, on the occasional night that they just don't want to sleep, do I let myself get so frustrated with them!?

First of all, they are only 6 weeks old. I should be thanking my lucky stars that they are sleeping so well at all. Secondly, what makes it so different for them to not sleep well during the day vs. not sleeping well at night. Why can I hold them and rock them so patiently during the day, but if they don't sleep at night, I get frustrated!? Plus, how can I get frustrated with a 6 week old baby that my husband and I tried so long and prayed so hard for?

I get so mad at myself when all is said and done. I feel like a terrible mother, and I know I'm not a terrible mother, but I feel like it's so unfair of me to even let myself get even the  slightest bit irritable toward my babies. 

I was reading a blog today, and the author of the blog wrote that it is frustrating to rock your babies and try for hours upon hours to get them to sleep, but once the sun comes up it's a whole different story. It's like there is a switch that flips between day and night and for some reason it's so easy to be ornery at night.
Is it because my body knows I should be sleeping?
Is it because I know my girls are capable of sleeping at night?
Maybe it's because without all the daytime distractions, 5 minutes feels like 15 minutes in the middle of the night...
I have no idea, but I really don't like it.

I feel even worse that sometimes I just have to make Matthew take the girls for a while. He works all day, lately he has been doing all the grocery shopping and running errands, and taking care of dinner, and I make him get up at night to help me with the babies. I feel so bad! I know I can't do it all on my own, but I do feel like I should or could maybe try a little harder sometimes. He does so much for us, the least I could do is let him sleep through the night.

I love my family so much. I am so thankful for my husband and daughters. I really hope to not let my tiredness get the best of me. I just want to do what's rightly them, and I hope I can be more patient, and remember to count my blessings. 

What I really need to do is first of all, like I said, count my blessings. Also, I know I need to cherish the time that I have with my newborn babies because I can see them becoming less and less "newborn" every day. I need to enjoy the time that I get to cuddle with my sweet babies, day or night, because let's face it, I pretty much feel tired day or night anyway! I don't want to, nor do I wish this time would go faster. I do look forward to certain things when the girls are older, but I'm really in no hurry to get to that point. Bottom line is, I just wish I could be more patient. I know that every mom gets frustrated, but there is no need for me to get frustrated at someone...maybe just at the situation. Hopefully I can work on this. I guess I just need to continue to take it one day at a time.