Confession

Before you begin reading this, please know that I am mostly just sorting through some thoughts right now. I'm not asking for advice or asking for help. Thanks! :)

I honestly and truly think I have to have two of the best baby girls in the whole wide world. They are usually pretty quiet. They do like to lie around unswaddled and just talk to whoever will listen, they are pretty good at nursing (I've recently read a few blogs of twin moms who have had a really hard time nursing their babies...mine have always nursed at the same time and done really well.) they like to cuddle, they don't mind being put down and they are currently sleeping from about 11:00 pm to about 4:30 am...except when they don't. 

I get so frustrated on the nights that they don't sleep well. Which is SO unfair of me. It only happens a handful of nights. The majority of the time they sleep through the night. They always have a hard time going back to sleep after they eat at 4:30, but normally to put them down after they eat at 10:30 is not a problem. So why, on the occasional night that they just don't want to sleep, do I let myself get so frustrated with them!?

First of all, they are only 6 weeks old. I should be thanking my lucky stars that they are sleeping so well at all. Secondly, what makes it so different for them to not sleep well during the day vs. not sleeping well at night. Why can I hold them and rock them so patiently during the day, but if they don't sleep at night, I get frustrated!? Plus, how can I get frustrated with a 6 week old baby that my husband and I tried so long and prayed so hard for?

I get so mad at myself when all is said and done. I feel like a terrible mother, and I know I'm not a terrible mother, but I feel like it's so unfair of me to even let myself get even the  slightest bit irritable toward my babies. 

I was reading a blog today, and the author of the blog wrote that it is frustrating to rock your babies and try for hours upon hours to get them to sleep, but once the sun comes up it's a whole different story. It's like there is a switch that flips between day and night and for some reason it's so easy to be ornery at night.
Is it because my body knows I should be sleeping?
Is it because I know my girls are capable of sleeping at night?
Maybe it's because without all the daytime distractions, 5 minutes feels like 15 minutes in the middle of the night...
I have no idea, but I really don't like it.

I feel even worse that sometimes I just have to make Matthew take the girls for a while. He works all day, lately he has been doing all the grocery shopping and running errands, and taking care of dinner, and I make him get up at night to help me with the babies. I feel so bad! I know I can't do it all on my own, but I do feel like I should or could maybe try a little harder sometimes. He does so much for us, the least I could do is let him sleep through the night.

I love my family so much. I am so thankful for my husband and daughters. I really hope to not let my tiredness get the best of me. I just want to do what's rightly them, and I hope I can be more patient, and remember to count my blessings. 

What I really need to do is first of all, like I said, count my blessings. Also, I know I need to cherish the time that I have with my newborn babies because I can see them becoming less and less "newborn" every day. I need to enjoy the time that I get to cuddle with my sweet babies, day or night, because let's face it, I pretty much feel tired day or night anyway! I don't want to, nor do I wish this time would go faster. I do look forward to certain things when the girls are older, but I'm really in no hurry to get to that point. Bottom line is, I just wish I could be more patient. I know that every mom gets frustrated, but there is no need for me to get frustrated at someone...maybe just at the situation. Hopefully I can work on this. I guess I just need to continue to take it one day at a time.